Tag: Mental Health

The Top Seven Things I Have Learned from Bad Relationships

Author’s Note: One of the bench marks of realizing how horrible a relationship was, is knowing how wonderful the right one can be. So, I want to point out my current relationship is better than I ever thought one could be, and it helps clarify how awful and unnecessary many of the other things I experienced were.

  1. Realizing I Don’t Have to Prove I’m Right

When you know you’re right about a subject, your fast draw reaction is to demonstrate why your position is correct. If you could just explain yourself, it would be impossible for others to not embrace your conclusions. But…

I’m sure you’ve seen the state of our Ununited States, or should I just say the States. Thinking you can convince someone of something which, if they were to admit it was true, would make them look foolish, wrong, or damage their Cultural World View, is between impossible and difficult, or could become a yearlong ordeal. If you think it is a simple matter, you haven’t argued with many people and are disregarding the obvious reality.

Instead, I learned I don’t have to prove I’m right. Doing so is an agonizing waste of time. My job isn’t to teach the world. If something is next to impossible, I have better things to do. I know the truth and so do the people I want to spend time with. You may think the irrational person could gloat or you should prove yourself, but if it’s just wasted time and words, the best stance is silence and avoidance. Soon you will be free.

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2. How Important is it to Maintain Your Healthy Friendships

I’m sure you’ve heard one of the first things toxic people do it try to separate their mate from their support network. Family and friends will be constantly insulted and put down. No matter what happens, if you don’t respect the person who’s speaking the words, you don’t have to respect what they say.

I’ve had some of my friendships for over 40 years, and I’ve never dated anyone for much over a decade. Unless you have found your real lover, relationships come and go. Friendship and family usually last a lifetime while more often than not, relationships eventually fade. Stay true to your friends, the dysfunctional mate wants them to abandon you, because in a tight spot, good friends always have your back and will help you get back onto your feet.

3. There Are Times You Have to Work Harder

If the house is a mess, you don’t like it that way, but you know the other person is doing far less than their share of cleaning, you must let it go. Just because they are a dysfunctional loser, you aren’t required to join them. If they won’t get off their ass unless you’re done cooking them dinner it doesn’t mean you have to live in squalor.

One of the first things you should do when you find yourself locked within a horrid relationship, is no longer think of yourself as a couple. Change your attitude, your other is now just a shitty roommate you can’t get rid of yet. Just because they are a lazy waste of space, doesn’t mean you must live with dirty dishes and cluttered rooms. Remember, if you were living by yourself, you’d have to do all the work. Just think of your life as you are already living by yourself and required to do everything and just do it. No need for you to live like a loser too.

Many rebel against such notions thinking it’s not fair or if you do everything the partner will just dig in and do less. Don’t look at it like that. Instead know you are being strong, they will have less to try to bitch about, and you are just practicing for when you are finally free.

4.  Life is Almost Never Fair

I’d like to say life is never fair, but once in a while it comes up even, like if you and three buddies all pitch in ten bucks for some pizza, but when was the last time that happened? Thinking life should be fair will just slow you down and you’ll make yourself depressed. Someone always does more and usually that someone ends up being you. If it isn’t, you might be the villain in this article.

Once you understand you’ll never even the scales, it gives you the freedom to do whatever you like. Your life is meant to be lived by you and you are the yardstick used to measure your self worth. Don’t worry if you are doing too much, if you’re doing things which make your life better, do more. Soon you’ll drop the slop, and everything you’ve done to improve your life will elevate you and empower your new beginning.

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5. Letting Lies and Insults Go

Why should you care about what an illogical, ignorant, or lying person says? This goes back a bit to number one on this list but if you don’t respect how a person is living or what they are saying, you certainly don’t have to acknowledge when they are trying to pick a fight or manipulate you.

This can dip into gaslighting and other forms of control. Ignore the bait and don’t validate them with an argument for there is little to gain arguing with someone with mental illness.

They want a reaction out of you. Even a negative one shows you have a passion for the relationship. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Better to just nod your head and walk away. The best reaction is often no reaction. What a toxic person says doesn’t matter and it will matter less as soon as you escape and never have to hear their imaginary nonsense again.

6. Keep Your Possessions Separate

Sure, maybe legally you may each own all your things together, but there are things which you know are yours and with community items like frying pans and end tables you can always buy better versions later. If you are with a selfish toxic mate, you are probably going to lose most of your things but don’t be bitter. You’ll be free and it will be worth it.

Depending on how bad things are getting and how much capital is on hand, I would suggest renting a small storage unit. Each day on your way to run all the errands, while your partner binge watches some trashy series, drop a box or two of your things off at the unit.

Do this because…

  1. The crappy partner can’t break them in a fit.
  2. They can’t try to steal your things later.
  3. You aren’t arguing over what is whose in the middle of a caustic break up
  4. Moving into a new place is so much easier. Half your things are already packed.

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7. You Need to Prepare an Escape Plan

This is often difficult. Your name may be on a lease, or if you own your home, ouch. Also, there could be children involved. Still not living in the same place isn’t the same thing as not living up to your obligations. You could still pay your rent and, if allowed, care for your children. Still, in these days where raising your voice counts as domestic violence (Its the law. Look it up.) you need to set up a safe place to escape to. If you are with an irrational person for whom you are providing, they aren’t going to want you to leave and will do everything in their power to make you stay.

Standing around in your house packing while they scream at you or looking up rentals while they hover over you isn’t going to work. Driving around with a car packed full of your things with no plan isn’t much better. Friends can help but they’ll be ten times happier to know your needs in advance. Don’t just show up and ask to crash on their sofa for a month. In most cases I would recommend you have a place to go before you break up and if you are smart enough you might already have a sofa of your own there.

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Dak is asked to hunt down renegade clones. His main problem, he’s dating one.

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Smashing the Gaslight-WildernessPunk

Is it just me or has the occurrence of foolish drama increased over the past year or so? Could this be because we have a president who seeks to make our government into a reality TV show? Perhaps we’re more sensitive to malicious plotting than we used to be or more informed in regards to how to identify these malign activities? It could also be we hold ourselves and others to a higher standard than past generations.

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Another thing which has become a focal point for the last year of our lives is how often reality is rewritten to meet the needs of the speaker with little thought to recognize either facts or consistency. Many have become desensitized to lying and contradictions, while others have given up a part of their optimism.

I am not here to discuss politics. We’re all under the government’s controlling umbrella to a greater or lesser extent. It bugs, bothers, and infuriates us, but remains distant. It might impact my life, but I can do little to affect it.

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The real question I am posing is how it might give some the impression there’s nothing wrong with their own lies. If the people we elect for government posts can lie to meet their needs and change their opinions daily, why shouldn’t a person, who has only a small circle of influence, concern themselves with the truth. Hell, almost no one is even watching them.

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For many, honor has been replaced by a self-serving agenda, which disregards, facts, other people’s needs and emotions, and gives no consideration to the well-being of children and other impressionable people. For some people, a simple cliché such as, “Put yourself into the other’s shoes,” is beyond their capabilities.

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So what happens when you mix drama and lies… most would agree it would be called Gaslighting. Just in case you haven’t heard about this one, it was based on the movie Gaslight, which won Ingrid Bergman her first Academy Award.

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The film’s plot, faithfully adapted by its screenwriters, was about a diabolical, Victorian criminal husband (Charles Boyer playing against type) who systematically and methodically attempts to torment, menace, and drive his bedeviled, fragile wife (Ingrid Bergman) mad. Its title was derived from the frequent dimming and flickering of the gaslights. The phrase “to gaslight” someone (to deliberately drive someone insane by psychologically manipulating their environment and tricking someone into believing that they are insane), was derived from the film.” — Tim Dirk.

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Gaslight — (verb) gaslights (third-person singular simple present), gaslighting (present participle), gaslighted (simple past and past participle).

  1. (slang; origin UK) To manipulate someone psychologically such that they question their own sanity.

 

So, whether it’s in front of the whole nation or just an individual trying to twist a single/a handful of minds, what makes someone think it’s acceptable to abandon any facts which don’t aid their agenda and recreate reality as they see fit?

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Narcissism doesn’t hurt. When you believe your life is the only one which matters, then your interpretation of the facts is the only thing you need to concern yourself with.. Or looking at it from another angle, to the narcissist, getting what you want for yourself overrides all else. Things like facts, the needs, desires, and emotions of others, logic, and consistency are all just chips to be ground into the carpet as they pursue their one goal, to better their own lives.

Others are just looked at in reference as to how they can be used. Whether is be as a source of income, a servant, or a pawn, all people are just ranked by their usefulness.

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But why does this happen? How do people get so wrapped up in themselves and their own agenda the rest of the world dims? Trauma and abuse can cause this disorder as can a poor upbringing. Although there’s also some evidence, as with many other disorders, like Schizophrenia and Cognitive Disabilities, a certain small percentage of people may be born this way.

Why would a percentage of humans, be born more or less evil, would be another interesting avenue to explore, but let’s stick to the disorder, for disorder it is. Although Narcissism, personality disorders, and gaslighting have caused undue suffering over the years, with a clear head, such things can’t hold up. Logic and common sense wins out over manipulation and lies in the end.

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If the gaslighter has an Achilles heel, it would certainly be their ego. They are so convinced their great intellect along with their plots are molding others into getting them what they want, they refuse to notice when these lies go poorly. Soon they can find themselves with little of no allies or resources but will only blame others for their woe. They attempt their old tricks, but they can’t last forever with the same people, so eventually the gaslighter is forced to move on and seek new victims. Unless they move, this gets harder, for stories spread and most of us become suspicious of people with no friends who are estranged from half their family. If this isn’t a red flag for you already, perhaps this idea can be the biggest take away of this article for you.

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So what is the best things to do if confronted by someone trying to gaslight you?

 

  • Don’t let yourself be separated from your support network and check in with them often. They can remind you A) you aren’t crazy. And B) what really happened and what any sane person would do about it.
  • Use simple tricks to weed out Narcissists. My favorite is, “Name five of your weaknesses, or things you don’t like about yourself.” If they balk at this easy task, you got trouble in your living room.
  • Many suggest you keep a journal. This will help you fact check.
  • If someone is coming down on you, like a boss who is harder to escape from, remember all they care about is themselves, so any request should be wrapped around a concept which makes their life better or at least keeps it from getting worse.
  • Statements which can befuddle a gaslighter would be saying things such as, “I would never dare to presume I have the right to control how you think about me.”

 

The bottom line is, if you are in a situation and its all about them, it should be all about you getting your butt anywhere else. So stay safe and smart out there and watch your step leaving for I smashed all the gaslights and left them on my front porch.

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You can grab some of my fiction here, and I can promise you only the villains use gaslighting.

 

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