I know I’m a lucky guy, an extremely happy guy. Sure, I’ve tasted defeat, drama, and trauma but I’ve pulled through, triumphed, and moved past obstacles which had once seemed one degree below insurmountable. I’m sure I’m not special in this. I would bet most of the people reading have suffered through similar experiences.
I’m not looking to dredge up old nonsense, instead I’m wondering why I’m feeling so restless and antsy lately. If you will allow me to wax personal for a moment, I have a wife sixty times better than I would have thought possible. Every day I wonder how such a fantastic person can even exist; let alone how I could be the one who gets to hug her. I have my children back and they went from traumatized and tortured to doing well and being happy most of the time. I have loads of free time to write, plant, get some carpentry in, and I get to game several times a month.
I’m living a life some people could only dream of, but why am I a little grumpy and oh so freaking restless?
Are there things I once had which I’m now missing? If there is it might just be silly things like writing in a tavern instead of my home or being inspired through homelessness and wanderlust. Why should I need things like waking up in the woods alone or driving through the desert with no destination in mind to ah…free my mind. And it isn’t like my mind isn’t freed. I’m writing this and not working in a coal mine or such.
Still, it’s there. Like an itch in the center of your shoulder blades.
Why, when I’m living the best life I’ve ever had, do I feel, as the 814 crew might say, a little slush core?
Self Imposed Suckage:
I’m going to discuss the past for a moment. Perhaps you can relate or perhaps you’ll think I’m more than a bit nuts. Either way, here goes.
When I was younger, I led a privileged life. I’m certainly not from some ultra rich family, but I had what I needed.
Growing up I always wanted to be tested. I liked to imagine what would happen if I had to face down a bear or a serial killer. Of course, I was tested here and there. I liked to challenge myself. I made my own house in a swamp when I was a teen. I have camped out for ten days with barely enough food and have even run out of beer!
Still, I feel like certain times I have put myself in hard situations on purpose. I could have gotten a great job after college, but what if I tried Meth instead. I’m not trying to rewrite history, but for a long time I only allowed myself to date women who I considered losers because I didn’t want to contaminate a good woman and yep, that became quite challenging.
Punk rocks squats, homelessness, and psycho chicks aren’t an easy path, but I really think a lot of it was testing myself. I’d had it so good, I needed to feel a challenge. I wasn’t able to hunt a boar for my dinner or rescue my mate from cannibals, so I settled on going on a road trip with a bunch of broke unreliable people.
Is any of this making sense to you? Maybe you feel you’re tested enough. But I’m not talking about living from paycheck to almost paycheck or having a shitty job or a crappy partner. I’m looking into the real dirt in your mouth, lost in the forest, type of thing. Humanity can cause you more troubles than a thousand pages could illustrate and yes, human versus human thrills can build character, but there’s still a different type of challenge one feels when you’re in a situation where all the fast talking in the world can’t save you and no one is coming to your aid.
Life Testing Attributes:
- More potent if you are doing it alone
- Nature is the ultimate test
- Naturally occurring tests are better than invented/mainstream challenges (Skydiving etc)
- The less resources, the greater the challenge
- Both mind and body can be tested
Am I restless because I’m not being tested? Yes, I know I’m tested every day still. However, I think there is a difference between passing the test to be at a certain place at a certain time day after day versus getting trapped in a downpour, in the forest, and trying to make a protective roof out of bark so your laptop isn’t destroyed. How they differ is that one is a test of living through the grind while the other is unexpected chaos which you might never experience again.
Some might argue human situations are chaotic. I could test myself by walking down an alley at midnight and only run into trouble on my eighty-fourth try. Yet this brings up the weakness of human interaction tests. A woman meeting a man for a first date is taking a safety risk, but she could live her whole life without such things going wrong, while nature is more consistent. Every time I hike the Canyonlands it’s going to be hard.
I’m going to give these three types of challenges names and provide a quick definition.
Civilized Grind:
Experienced differently by everyone but usually involves repetitive challenges such as attending work, caring for children, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, and other tasks which keep a household living safely and productively.
Human Friction:
Whether physical or emotional, when someone must overcome challenges brought to bear against them by other humans.
Environmental Challenges:
When one is faced with challenges beyond human control such as the weather, temperature, and the natural setting.
So again, does my restlessness stem fromonly being tested by the Civilized Grind and not enough Environmental Challenges? Human Friction can challenge one too, but often dissolves to mere bickering and splitting hairs over mundainia. Harder human issues lead to stress and more often than not cause more troubled feelings than victories.
As a father of small children and a loving husband, I think I’d hesitate to say, I deserve a weeklong vacation in the forest…wish daddy luck, if I screw up, I’m not coming back. Also, long solo drives into the backlands seem inappropriate somehow. I’m not just risking myself. Not to sound egocentric, but my family needs me.
So what is an adventure seeking, but busy and responsible, WildernessPunker to do?
Here are a few ideas I have thought of which helped.
- Bring the party to me.
Figure out a few ways to supply enough action that a few folks are willing to cruise over.
- Construct things on the cheap
Make supplies/objects for yourself with reused resources in an environmentally friendly manner.
- Embrace your creative drive
Whatever it is, feed the fire of your creative goals, dreams, and projects.
These are just a few ideas which help me keep restlessness at bay, but I think I’m still going camping anyway.
Thanks for your time and remember to embrace the adventure.
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WildernessPunk 